I stole this blog post from Smart Bitches Trashy Books in honor of all the gals who read old skool romances!




Sarah: Sometimes you find the most amazing old skool covers. And sometimes really awesome librarians and readers like Lady R. email you a heads up that, wow, yes, that is a teal headband. Did they have terry cloth back then? I had no idea! 

So let's take a trip back in time with all of us here at Bitchery HQ, where the women were really, really, no, REALLY WE MEAN IT redheads, and the men were made more men-ful with the addition of teal.

RedHeadedGirl: Holy GOD.  First off, I kinda want to read ALL of these.  

Amanda: Ah, I miss the days where just the title of a book would make me uncomfortable.


Captive Caress by Sonya Pelton - His burning touch fired her need is the tagline. He is wearing a teal headband and she has a giant cloud of blonde curls spread out on the ground for about two feet around her head.


Sarah: I can't take my eyes off that teal. It's the most magnetic thing on the cover, right after the tagline: His burning touch fired her need. Does she need a z-pack?

I think the teal is speaking to me. Shhhh. 


RedHeadedGirl:  I hope they manage to get off the ground before the random horse tramples them or whatever.  

Amanda: If you experience any "burning touches," please consult a physician.

Elyse: His burning touch, her fiery need... That sounds like vaginitis. Also those are some red trees. 

CarrieHis Burning Touch Fired Her Need.... It's time to test for STD's!

Also known as:  Death By Goldfish Swarm

Colorado Jewel- she's embracing him with her head thrown back and he looks asleep


Sarah: Isn't there a whole subset of historicals where her neck looks broken and he looks asleep? I think this cover is their leader. When they join together to form a cover rebellion, this cover will lead them into battle. After he wakes up and someone duct tapes her head on straight. 

RedHeadedGirl:  Is he trying to see if she has a pulse?

Amanda: I feel like we're about an inch of fabric away from a wardrobe malfunction. 

Elyse: The cover from Colorado Jewel resembles a set piece from The Book of Mormon... "Hello my name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked. Did you know the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?"

Carrie: Nope, that's not where it is.  No, really - it's not in her neck.  Think lower.

Also, Sweetie, if you make a face like that, it will freeze that way




Silken chains features a redheaded woman in a hot pink gown yikes with her head back like her neck is broken and a dude half asleep on her bosom.


Sarah: If Colorado Jewel is the leader in the broken neck cover rebellion, this one is probably second in command, resentful of Colorado Jewel's leadership because, for God's sake, Silken Chains has broken necks and sleeping dudes PLUS floating horse heads AND fuchsia. Clearly it should be the leader, but alas, no, it's not. 

RedHeadedGirl: There is something severely wrong with that horse headdress thing.  Also I just bought this based on the cover alone.  

Amanda: Wait…are they in the ocean? Where is his hand going?! Is he about to motorboat her?!! I am very uncomfortable.

Elyse: Why does the hero from Silken Chains have a flower arrangement blooming from his rectum? Are they taint lilies?

Unable to find a vase, Hans stuffed the bouquet he'd bought Beatrice in his favorite orifice.

Carrie: No, sorry, I've got nothing.  I have to go lie down now.  The shock, you know.  The trauma.


Elusive swan by Sylvie Sommerfield - there is so much pink and purple clothing going on in this cover I don't know what to tell you.


Sarah: This cover needs more teal.

RedHeadedGirl:  I don't know if I'm happy they didn't go with an obvious swan, or disappointed.  That said, his ruffled PURPLE shirt totally makes the cover.  

Amanda:  If I didn't notice the ship in the background, I would have thought this was some new Cirque du Soleil high wire act. Also, I wonder what material her dress is made out of. My money's on lycra.

Elyse: I am fairly certain that the hero from the Elusive Swan is Prince Adam from HeMan

Prince Adam from HeMan, in pink vest and purple furry mankini and leggings

Carrie: OMG.  I just can't.  I can't even.  

OK, here's the best my stunned mind can come up with:

Yup - that swan's elusive, alright.  


Elyse: Wait... I can't stop looking at the Elusive Swan. It's like it has power over me. Is the ocean pink? Are they sailing on a fucking sea of Crystal Light?


Sonya Pelton - Secret Jewel - a woman with bright red curly huge clouds of hair that go all the way down her back past the bench she's sitting on to the floor


Sarah: First, I presume this is a stepback because the title isn't on the cover. Or this book is so famous it doesn't need a name.

Second, IT'S MERIDA. It's Merida from 1994 romance cover land, but still.

I wonder what Merida would say about this cover.

gif of merida putting her hands down her face in frustration


RedHeadedGirl: Is she inviting someone to come help her brush her hair?  

Amanda: Is it weird that I imagine this being The Childlike Empress all grown up? I sincerely hope she gives those locks a conditioning treatment every few months.


The childlike empress from The Neverending Story



Elyse: Can you imagine snaking her shower drain? No innuendo intended.

CarrieHolding Out For a Hairdresser.


Filed: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition)General Bitching

Tagged: wtferyold skoolmake the burning stophorsesfuchsiacover snarkcover comparisonsbroken necks and sleeping dudes the epic battlebitchery snark